never again

Why haven’t I moved on from my perspective about love when the truth is the idea of love sometimes makes you hurt? It is undeniable, yet, tricky for me. Most times love feels like the air for you to breath, the joy of your life, the most important thing you could have. It is true. I met my partner during my third year of study, I was innocent, unbothered, optimistic and had high self-esteem. My days were so flat; campus, lots of assignments, projects, my little group of friends, hangouts, and mostly that’s all. I was so boring but I never saw myself lack of everything. I believed I was complete. During these boring times, I had a crush on a guy. I saw him really cool and tall-handsome-skinny boy like he was in a Rock n Roll band. Then, I didn’t know what he saw in me, he talked to me. He reached me out and asked to go out. Maybe you would ask too, why it was me? He could sleep with any girl he loved at a first sight. Was he desperate enough to choose me instead of other lads he had? Anyway, we went for a date. A couple of dates, exactly. The more he talked, the more I unchecked my list that I created in my head about him. In my eyes, he was distant. Like I knew that I would never have a chance to talk to him. But then I was wrong. Turns out he was nice and warm and humble. He talked to me like I mattered. This is slowly shifting me into a different person. I, at some points, changed myself. I became more passionate towards things I love, like writing. I listen what he listens, I watch what he watches, I laugh when he laughs, the last thing was a surprising moment.

I cried when he cried.

The moment I cried, the moment I knew that this person will cause a great impact in my life. He will become either the best or the worse part of my world. His words became my strength or my depression, his actions became my inspiration or my nightmare. I’ve tasted so many things after he appeared. Being with him feels so great, it leaves me an addiction. I get addicted to his features, particularly his perfectly-shaped brown eyes, his irresistible lips, his bone structure, the scars on his face that he got from the accident few years ago, and absolutely his smell. He makes me happy, the love I have for him I don’t think I would able to give it to someone else. Each day I notice his smile while he slurps his coffee, he has helped me in so many ways possible. I feel like I’m in a different world when I’m with him. He comforts me when I sad and he reassures me that nothing should come in between us. Nothing should I worry about. He loves me like I wanted to be loved. I’m no longer in a trap after he’s here, nurturing and holding me every minute we’ve spent. He makes me the best drinks I could sip, he seeks for solutions for my problems, most importantly, he doesn’t leave when we have arguments.

But on the other hand…

During the bad days I had due to my own imagination, I would always think the worst case that might happen. I started to lose trust on him everytime he speaks to another girl, I sought information about him that related to our situation. I started to become obsessive. I remember crying every night and day for a week because I thought he might cheat on me. I wanted so hard to find the answers that I had been questioning since I caught him lied to me the other day. One lie and it ruins my wall. I lost my sanity, I was shaking, freezing, suffering when I found out a thing. I believe I was having a panic attack. It was hard to even breath and stop my hands from shaking. I couldn’t sleep afterwards. There had been moments where I felt I wasn’t worthy. I cried all day and blaming myself. I met him that day yet it felt so hurt watching him saw me like I was pathetic. I felt pity on myself for wanting someone loves me unconditionally. Then, days become months. My condition has never become better. I started to cut myself because I’m belittling me. I look down on who I am. I slapped my face when I’m mad at him, I hate me. Reading old chats only cause me greater pain and it cannot stop me from pulling myself down. I barely can look at the old us, it leads me to shaping my nightmare when I sleep. I don’t want to go back to that time, I wanted to erase my memory in a certain time. I wanted to move on from all of those painful past.

There are reasons on why love is both joy and hurt. This, doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s a bad person for me or he’s making me like this. The problem is on me. I made myself this way, an easily-irritated and self-sabotaging my relationship which possibly can harm the situation I have with my partner. To love is to forgive. You need to be forgiving to lose the burden you carried on your back. The point is, knowing these much of pleasures and tears I’ve experienced, I will never again to seek for love if this has to end. It costs much and I don’t think the next person will be much worth it like I have right now. Baby, with all my flaws and my strengths I will be better for my condition and for our relationship. I’ll work on myself to deserve you. I hope you can see me in a way I could see you.